Featured Coaching Excerpt - Notes & Transcript, Part 1
Lesson Nugget:: A relationship has to have a purpose and vision to be successful.
Lesson Nugget:: If you don’t accept people for who they are you will ruin the relationship.
Action Step:: Challenge the lie that you can control other people.
Lesson Nugget:: Mature love chases away all fear.
Lesson Nugget: Drop some knowledge right here!
-No matter what you try to do to them, they are them. And if you don't adjust to that, you ruin your relationship with your own child. As long as you believe that you can control someone, you not honor them.
-Danny, thank you for being here, my friend.
-Hi, Clay, how are you?
-I'm doing well.
-I'm doing well. My wife and I, we're getting excited. It's Patriot football season right now. So one day a week, I look forward to Tom Brady taking us to victory.
-Yeah. Do you care at all? Are you into football?
-About the Patriots?
CLAY: Really? OK.
CLAY: Well, I'll change the subject. We'll transition.
-I do love football, but--
-I respect that.
-I went to Boston. I watched Brady play. It was just preseason. It was Tim Tebow's last pro-football game ever. It was a preseason game.
-I'm a Tim Tebow apologist, as well, so we can dive into that off camera probably. Well, we're talking about growing your business without growing apart. Specifically, in the context of marriage. We have a lot of Thrivers, thousands of people all over the world. And many have reached out and have said, as my business is growing, I feel like I'm becoming a different person. And my wife and I or my husband and I, we're growing apart. And I don't think that it has to be that way.
But I'm certainly not the expert in this area. So I want to unpack it with you. But I can say, as a financial tip for all the Thrivers, a good way to cut your net worth in half is to get divorced. So financially speaking, you probably don't want to do that. So I want to ask you this, why do most people, as they grow the business, believe that they have to grow apart, or that that's part of the process? Why does that become a culturally accepted concept.
-Probably just because you're spending most of your time doing something that the other person isn't. If people are in business together, they tend to grow together. But if one person is growing this business and the other one is growing the family, they really have to have a purpose and a vision for coming back at the end of the day, because we have to build us. Because you're building that and I'm building this, that's what leads us in different directions is we have less and less and less in common. Well,
-You talk about these seven pillars of a healthy relationship. And I love it because the visual's great. I love the idea. And I'm going to start off with the foundation. So you got the foundation. And then you add the pillars. And then we have a little roof we'll put on it, too. So as far as the foundation, you talk about unconditional acceptance. Unpack for me what unconditional acceptance is about.
-Essentially it just means that you get to be you around me. You don't have to be me. And a lot of relationships are, I am trying to turn you into me so I don't have to grow. And I punish you for when you are you. And I manipulate you into trying to be someone that you're not, because I don't want change. I don't want to adjust. Because if I actually see you as you are and accept you as you are, it's going to affect me. I'm going to change in the relationship. Probably the best example is children. When you have children, it changes you. Because they are them. No matter what you try to do to them, they are them. And if you don't adjust to that, you ruin your relationship with your own child.
-You know, I have five kids and I've seen that happen with all five of them. It's interesting how each one of them, they come from my wife and I, but yet they all have their own different personalities.
DANNY: It's almost unfair.
-If you're watching this and you're going, I am guilty of not having the unconditional acceptance, what's the action item? What should we do right away? What's the course correction we need to make with our spouse?
-It probably starts with challenging the lie that you can control other people. Really, to repent, to recognize I don't control other people. I can't make you do something. What I can do is I can make me do something. So that's what I'll begin to work on. I'll begin to work on managing myself in our relationship, instead of trying to get you to be something else or to be someone else. So I'm going to learn to be me in the relationship, and I'm going to learn really how to get out of the destructive cycle of trying to control you to be someone else.
-And that's the foundation. Now, we're adding on this first pillar here. And this first pillar is love. Can you give me an example of what you're talking about when you're referring to the pillar of love?
-Mature love chases away fear. So in order to have a healthy pillar of the experience of love, I have to understand that fear cannot be part of our relationship. So this is back to the idea that we are going to choose a relationship where we are learning skills that chase fear away from the two of us.
CLAY: Mature love chases away fear. They can't co-exist. You can't have a little bit of fear and mature love. It's got to be-- you want to have-- your spouse feels completely comfortable around you.
-They get to be themselves. In my presence, you are free to be you.