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This business coaching lesson helps people understand how to connect.

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Featured Coaching Excerpt - Notes & Transcript, Part 1
  • Lesson Nugget:: Many times when relationships falter, it’s because the individual parties still desire distance from each other for their own protection.
  • Notable Quotable:: “Because we are all different people…If we don’t have a different goal other than distance, distance is what naturally happens.”
  • Skills Needed To Develop And Sustain Healthy Relationships:: 1. Connection
  • Skills Needed To Develop And Sustain Healthy Relationships:: 2. Communication
  • Skills Needed To Develop And Sustain Healthy Relationships:: 3. Boundaries
  • Skills Needed To Develop And Sustain Healthy Relationships:: 1. Connection
  • Notable Quotable:: “Connection is not something that happens to you, it is something you choose.”
  • Lesson Nugget:: People must learn to become powerful in their relationships to intentionally pursue connection.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

-So if we don't have a different goal than distance, what naturally happens is distance, because I'm trying to lower the anxiety while we work through a disagreement.

-Danny, thank you for joining us here on Thrive 15, my friend.

-It's good to be here, buddy.

-Hey. Today we are talking about something that I think everybody could benefit from learning. I'm excited to learn from you today. But it's the three skills needed to develop and sustain healthy relationships.

Can we start off and just talk about the goal? If we're talking about what does a healthy relationship look like, can you explain to me kind of the goal we're trying to get to, or what a healthy relationship looks like in your mind?

-Yeah. It's something that we don't normally take responsibility for. And that is the goal of a relationship. So commonly, if I'll have a married couple in my office, they're battling over having the wrong goal. Because they want a great marriage. But they have the wrong goal.

And the goal that they walk into that counseling appointment with is distance. How much distance do we need to protect ourselves in this relationship? And sometimes we only need this much distance. And other times we need this much distance.

And so the way we treat each other, it creates that goal. That goal is, get away from me. OK. OK. Get away from me. OK. OK.

But I blame you for why I'm treating you this way. I'm disrespectful. I'm impatient. I'm critical. And I'm trying to create my goal of distance.

-It seems like-- we have a lot of Thrivers all around the world. And you travel around the world. That's why I'm excited to interview you about this. Cause you've seen these patterns probably universally, from country to country.

But we see this situation where you have a lot of business owners. They work together. And as their business begins to grow, they say that they feel like they're growing apart because they're growing as people, and they're creating that distance.

Why do we, as a culture around the world, why do we say that alibi, or have that reason for saying, well, we're just growing apart? What's going on with that phenomenon?

-Well, that's exactly what happens if you don't have a different goal. If you don't have a different goal, then what naturally happens is anxiety. And anxiety happens because we're different.

You're different than I am. You do things different. You need things that are different. You desire different things.

And so if we don't have a different goal then distance, what naturally happens is distance. So we grew apart.

But when my goal with you is connection, then I need a different skill set. I need a different way to communicate, because when we disagree, when we hit those differences, and the goal is connection, we have to do something that's pretty unnatural, really. And this is where the "I love you very much" starts to show up in the relationship. This is where we start to bond through difficulty. This is where we really start to test our ability to communicate, to build relationships, to create an environment where it's gonna last a long time.

-So you have these three skills that you talk about. And one is connection. One is communication. And the other is boundaries.

So if we can dive into the first one here. If we can just kind of get into this first principle, what are you talking about?

-Well, the idea of connection as a goal is that it's something I choose. It doesn't happen to me. We don't just naturally connect.

Now that's where we like to think, oh, I fell in love. And it was so easy. And that sort of thing is really a myth, because what I fell in love with is, I fell in love with what I don't know about you.

And then over time, we start filling in all the stuff I learn about you. And I'm like, oh my gosh. You're not the fantasy that I had. Now this has become work because I have to actually choose the relationship.

People have to learn to be powerful in a relationship to pursue the goal of connection. Powerless people want stuff to happen to them. And they want it to be somebody else's job for why their life is working out, or why their life isn't working out, they get to blame somebody else.

So powerless people are always looking for a force outside of themselves to be more powerful than them. Powerful people understand that I'm only powerful with my half of our relationship. I don't get to determine yours.

-When did you have this epiphany? Because it seems like it makes a lot of sense. When did you step back and look and go, oh my gosh. People are missing connection. Or when did you get this epiphany, this idea of having the wrong goal, the need to connect?

-I've been a counselor in relationships for almost 30 years. And so somewhere in there, working with people and trying to help them be successful, you start noticing these patterns. And as unique is everybody wants to be, they're very similar.

People have real common problems. Connection is one of them. Communication would be another one. And then the boundaries is another one.

So you could take a book like Keep Your Love On, and you can get 20 counseling sessions with Danny, because basically you sit in the counseling office for eight hours a day, you do that long enough, and pretty soon you feel like you're hearing the same story all day, every day. And I just want to hand something out to say, ah, you know, you should have been here on that last guy's counseling session, because I'm gonna say the same thing to you, because you have the same problem... Continuing Education Tulsa Community College.

-So if someone's watching this right now. And they're saying, I struggle to connect, they're not weird. This is something that is actually-- it's not intentional. Everyone's doing this.

-Everybody's doing it. It's a really popular thing to

do.

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